Now that I'm a bit more sane. Not completely in the slightest.
I swear like a sailor below. I'm fucking pissed.
I am just so done with everything. Just done.
One moment is is the most amazing day of my life and its just joy and happiness and everyone is having a great time and they are the happiest people ever and the next I just want to go into a hole, never come out, and cry myself to death.
I'm just so fucking done.
Just what the hell is the point of all this shit. God damnit.
I'm tired of one sister wanting to skin my cat alive while the other one loves to scare the shit out of him which is making him the most timid thing ever.
I'm tired of my phone shitting out on me and refusing to recieve certain texts and fucking loosing my information 24/7, or how it can't hold anymore data even though I don't know where the fuck an extra gig went which means I can't play a fun game that is making everyone around me have the best fucking time ever which means I just sit there and fucking twiddle my thumbs look the dumbshit I am.
I'm sick of people making fun of me for staying in my room and not being around anyone. Fuck that. Whenever I'm around people they just put a bunch of shit on me. They just complain at how much I suck and why I can't be someone else. I stay away because of that fucking shit right there! Assholes. And then when they pull that shit I leave and they find me alone in my room and ask why the hell I'm not being the fucking happiest social butterfly I'm not or that I'm over reacting over stupid shit.
"God, you're such a failure."
-Kind, academically perfect, social sister
I'm tired of my mom saying my new problem is that I'm addicted to electronics. That I can't go one day even without jumping on the web. WELL WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK THAT? Bet theres some mental fuckery going on there huh?!?! It cannot possibly to escape this fucked up social anxiety I have thanks to everyone hating and shitting on everything I try to do. That every damn time I try to do something good it gets fucked up a little or just a bit different from norm and it becomes trash that looks like shit. That what I do will never measure up. It just can't possibly be that! No it must be some mental thing a doctor can now fix.
Well fuck that.
I should be shitting rainbows with what just happened today. I should be happy but I'm not. Its not like I don't want to be. I just fucking can't. I just don't care anymore. Every single care just left my body in an instant and I started crying on the way home because I just give up.
Its like the worst fucking game or tug of war ever and I'm in shit mud either way.
My happiest days are when I spend the day alone doing something I love and even then I feel like shit because I'm like a fucking cat that needs some form of other human contact because if I don't everyone hates me and doesn't care that I'm not there. But whenever the hell I do go be with people I get shit and I am told I amount to nothing. I am never ever taken seriously and everyone always has to question my decisions and what I want to do. The only time I'm wanted anywhere is when my family needs a fucking IT because my dad isn't here to do it and I'm better than their petty suffering over their missed show or the movie they can't watch because they don't fucking know how to switch over to the other fucking system that they have screwed up and made me fix I don't know how many fucking times.
Why should I explain what I'm doing for the umpteenth time what I am doing so I don't need to be called again for the person who scratched the shit out of my movies and my game discs or who called me a bitch and then explained how much of a dumb shit I am to their friends?! Huh?!?! Why should I do anything for the asshole that is making my life a living hell?!?! Then when she tries to do something nice and my mom is wondering why I don't say 'thank you' or act nice for her??? Cause its a fucking ruse so she can pull more shit and get away with it! I don't know how many times they've gone off with a fucking warning. Or that it was funny when she made out with a guy she just met and didn't get reprimanded?!?! No! She was asked if he was cute. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? What the hell is going on with life. I am just done. I do not want to be here anymore.
I am just so done and broken. I laughed when my sister broke her nose. Yeah. Poor little cheerleader got her nose crooked a couple days ago. Greatest news I heard last week. Wish it bled though. Freaked a couple more people out maybe.
Serves her right for all the shit shes caused me. For the shit shes caused everyone!
God damn. I just want to get the hell out of here but you fucking need money for that or a job or the fucking will to do anything. I just want to give up and do nothing. School has already fucking run me over and shit out an F for me. New start my ass. My parents have given up on me. Life has already fucked me over I don't know how many times. I am a lucky ass kid but my fucking mind can't fucking grasp that I should be fucking happy and fucking want to fucking succeed in this fuck shit life. No. It just wants me to lie down and give up. Wait for nobody to care and just keel over because to my shitty head I'm a worthless piece of shit and there is nothing I can ever fucking do.
Since I am a dumbshit failure of a human being I'm going to do what I do best and cry like a sissy till I can scrape together enough fake joy to go into public again. Till then I hope this rambling rant made no sense whatsoever and that you wonderful human beings will still at least somewhat like my art and maybe look at some of it again when my lazy ass shell of a body can find a shred of motivation to accomplish another post.
As of right now, it is 3AM in Southern California with a strong chance of this human crying herself to sleep after regretting this post. Heres to wishing you a good day! Good night or good morning.
I also have no appetite whatsoever which my be adding to the mood but then again the mood is whats causing me to no eat so fuck that. I've almost fallen down four times from my light headedness. Yay. Lets aim somewhere with round corners.
TTFN! Ta Ta For Fucking Now!!!